


Look At What You Did

by edenn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lies, Lonely Taeyong, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape, Rape Recovery, Repressed Memories, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sweat, Trauma, fluff if you squint hard enough, he needs a hug, just in case too, put this in just in case, taeyong and doyoung bestfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23901421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenn/pseuds/edenn
Summary: Who would have expected this, of all things? Who would have thought it could ever happenin real life? It's something that always happened to others, never to people you knew. And even less to you. Right?
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong & Everyone, Lee Taeyong & Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Taeyong & Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 85





	Look At What You Did

**Author's Note:**

> you know the drill, i'm not assuming anything regarding the boys.
> 
> READ THE TAGS (for once that i tag everything i possibly can) the self-harm isn't even implied, it's merely hinted. also i put "sweat" and "lies" in the tags bc there's like two paragraphs for each and it's a big issue for Taeyong.

Who would have expected this, of all things? Who would have thought it could ever happen _in real life_? It's something that always happened to others, never to people you knew. And even less to you. Right?

And why, when it was expected to never happen, was it treated like barely nothing? Why did people still not care? Why were they all acting as if nothing had happened? Shouldn't they be shocked? Show support? It was widely talked about on social medias but at the same time, it wasn't. People retweeted and shared posts to prevent it, calling out perpetrators, debating about it, they cancelled celebrities because of it, yet when someone came forward, no one was listening. They only listened to the extremes, to the most popular posts. They didn't listen to their friends, nor tried to help them. Or maybe it really wasn't their place? After all, it was still a personal issue that should be dealt with in private. But then why would they.. Why would they be so vocal about it? Why would they erase the victims' voices by doing so? Why did it felt like all they did was directing the attention to them instead of the victims? As if they were so preoccupied with looking supportive that they would actually fail at it..

Or did he made all of that up, and he just wanted attention? Maybe he made everything up. He didn't knew anymore.

He couldn't remember when he first started feeling this way about himself. When did he started feeling so gross? When did soap stopped being enough? At one point, he hated this body more than anything in the world, even more than what had happened to him, even more than his meaningless pain. Yet, people had told him it was all natural. "The fact that you're sweating isn't dirty, it's bacterias that make that smell, not you." they had told him. And oh, he tried so hard to remember that, he really did. But he always ultimately failed. The smell was still coming from him, so strong it filled his nose with that unpleasant odour. It was as if something was rotting inside of him, and that was the smell of it.

Because there was no way such odour was coming out of such a pretty body. _Well, pretty according to others because his perception of himself was that of a creature even uglier than a blobfish - oh, how he wished to be able to see himself through the eyes of others!_ And there was no way he could handle it any longer. It smelled no matter what, he tried to do nothing and just lay on his bed, barely moving. He tried eating healthier and working out. Nothing seemed to stop the smell from appearing. Even in the shower, with a handful of soap, the smell never entirely left. The most logical solution would be to shower more often, he knew it. So he did the exact opposite. He didn't shower for days, just to see how long the smell would take to be disgusted of itself. Or how long it would take for him to get used to it, but he never did. So he would jump in the shower, feeling dirtier than dirt, and he would aggressively rub his armpits.

"Taeyong!" a voice called his name and snapped him back to reality "You there?", Yuta.

"Oh yeah, I'm here, sorry. Got lost in my thoughts for a second." Taeyong knew his lie wouldn't work. Because he wasn't even thinking.

"Are you coming?"

"Coming?" He looked around quickly and remembered what they were doing. "Oh yeah, our first win anniversary."

Yuta walked back to him, concern way too visible on his face for Taeyong's liking. The last thing he wanted was make them realize there was something wrong with him.

"Hey Yuta- ehm, I think you should go first, I'll just go grab some medicine real quick." He wasn't good at lying, but this time it _had_ to work. "No no I'm fine, I'm just feeling a bit light-headed, nothing to worry about!"

"Alright.." He didn't sound really convinced, but what could he do? Forcefully drag him to the restaurant and cause a scene? No way. So he let him go, unable to erase the feeling of uneasiness in his heart as he walked away.

Taeyong felt bad. Very bad. He hadn't felt that bad in a while, and he wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad sign. He just knew that right now, nothing could put him in the mood to join the other members and celebrate. It was for them. To let them enjoy a happy evening. Sure, they'd be sad Taeyong suddenly cancelled, but it was worth it in his eyes. He'd just kill the mood and make them all worry. So he decided to walk to the practice room instead. If someone came back to bring him, he'd just have to say he went out for a little walk, or to the convenience store to buy something for whatever pain he'd lie about.

_Liar._ Yes, he was. He lied so often about small trivial things that he even sometimes caught himself lying without noticing it. It had become his new defense. What else was he supposed to do? Tell the truth? To be pulled away from the group? Or worse, to be completely ignored? If the cost for the members and the fans' happiness was his lies, then there's nothing he wouldn't do. He had received so much love, happiness and good memories from them that he felt like his lifespan wouldn't be enough to pay them half of it back. Yes, Taeyong had realized quickly how lies could protect him. From his enemies, his past, and himself.

The only problem with lies is that sometimes you lie so much you forget what's real. And that too, Taeyong knew too well. He couldn't recall the number of times he had been devoured by doubt after telling another lie about himself. And to be honest, he was scared. Lying was his best weapon against hurt, sure, but it was a double-sided weapon. He was scared that one day, he wouldn't be able to tell apart his lies from the truth. He was afraid that someday, his body wouldn't be enough to bring him back to reality. That day he dreaded so much, he knew he wouldn't survive it.

When he danced, Taeyong felt free. He felt in control of everything, like those princesses who could control the space around them while they were singing. It was his way of reclaiming his body once lost to a mistake in his youth. When he danced, he was the real Taeyong, strong, fierce and unbreakable. Every move needed him entirely, he would never feel like he wasn't in his body, it was just impossible. Every move needed emotion, feeling, purpose, everything Not-Dancing-Taeyong lacked. Learning a new routine, dance or even just complicated step felt like a huge victory, the success of coordinating his mind and body to achieve working communication. That's why he loved dancing so much. And his energy, oh, his energy! What he liked more than anything else in his dance though, was how he would appear so different. So much more confident, really daring and incredibly attractive. Not that he wasn't usually - he obviously was, but in a more soft and puppy-like way - lots of people had noticed how he seemed to rule over space and have an incredibly strong presence when he was dancing. Taeyong liked that part of him, it was empowering. He would put on a cheeky smile, slip his tongue out or blink to the audience and while they were squealing from the effect, he would feel his confidence grow. He wasn't using the audience, far from that! They just liked when he allowed himself to act like that, and in exchange for supporting him, he would give them more. And on a more intimate standpoint, it was liberating to have such behavior accepted and validated. To know that the hinted sexuality behind certain moves was enjoyed highly influenced the way he felt about it in his everyday life. If he didn't had found dance.. he would probably be a lot more of a prude than who he was today. Dance was his way of saying "I am comfortable in this body." For someone who thought of it as rotting inside, it was an incredibly powerful dick move.

It didn't always made him feel that way though, he had his periods of extreme doubt and repulsion where he wouldn't even be able to look at his reflection in the big mirror of the practice room. When he had just started dancing, not knowing anything, he would beat himself up so often his teacher's critics were too soft on his skin. Hours would go by and he would still be dancing, challenging the reflection in the mirror to quit whining and do better. At that time, it was like he was walking behind everyone with a weight at his ankle. Now however, he was leading everyone. He was sometimes even too far before the members, pushing his body and creativity to its limits, suggesting moves he was the only one able to actually execute them. "A lone wolf stays one," he would sometimes think bitterly. "I was alone behind everyone, and now I'm alone in front of everyone."

Had he fell asleep on the practice room's floor due to dancing until his body refused to move or due to one of his other destructive behavior, Taeyong never knew. He remembered being carried home on someone's back, Johnny's or Jaehyun's judging from the feel. "Taeyong? Cmon let's... together... really... a shower..." his eyes were heavy, he dozed off again. He was shaken back awake by cold sweat running through his spine and his heart beating furiously. Not able to piece everything together immediately, he followed his brain's immediate reaction. Not a good idea when you have a brain like his, because your first reaction after freezing to gather more informations and decreting you are in danger is to push away and kick aggressively. And who cares who you're hurting as long as you're safe.

"Don't touch me!"

"Taeyong! Stop kicking damnit, I'm trying to help you!" Jaehyun's voice sounded too aggressive and his hands felt too rough on his arm. He didn't like the way his shirt was slipping and that he couldn't hold it back with his wrist held firmly by his friend. He didn't like any of that, so he kicked harder. And the harder he fought back, the stronger Jaehyun's grip on his wrist was, until finally his shirt came off after what felt like two good minutes.

There he was, topless on the bathroom floor, and before he could react to this, he felt two strong arms go under his arms and preventing him from struggling more. Needless to say it didn't help and just sent him into a worst state of panic. There was no way to stop his kicks now, he was scared beyond rationality. The situation was so distressing Taeyong's brain stopped reasoning and just went full primitive mode. It's only goal now was to neutralize the danger, either by getting away from it or by making it go away from him. Nothing was adding up, he had fell asleep in the practice room, was carried home by either Johnny or Jaehyun, and when he had woken up, he was being stripped naked on the bathroom floor, completely unaware. Luckily, he still had his underwear on, if that could reassure him in any way. The restrain on his arms disappeared and formed in his vision as Johnny, going next to Jaehyun, shocked at Taeyong's reaction. Once he wasn't being held anymore, his kicks stopped. He didn't look at his friends, instead he buried his face in his knees, brought up to his chest and his arms on his knees.

"Taeyong..? It's just us, Johnny and Jaehyun.." Jaehyun whispered, barely making any sound. His voice was a bit shaky from his violent reaction, though he tried not to make too obvious.

"We just wanted to help you shower, it's pretty late and you're sweaty wet.." Johnny pursued, reaching his hand to the leader's shoulder but he was pushed away.

"Don't touch me! Get your hands off of me!"

He wasn't looking at them but you could tell from his voice and shaky breath he was crying. There was so much hatred and anger in his voice, Johnny lost his words. Jaehyun could almost feel his heart being directly shot at. It was clear to both of them that Taeyong wouldn't let them touch him and he wouldn't move from his current position in their presence. Exchanging a scared and completely lost look, they got up and left the bathroom. As soon as they left, Taeyong grabbed a towel and threw it over himself, hiding under it. It wasn't good. He needed to fix this, but how? What was even happening? He himself didn't know. It was as if he was drowning in the middle of the sea and didn't know how to swim. Memories were coming and going, in small bits, each bringing a sharp pain to his heart. A detail would come closer to his consciousness, and before he could exactly make out what it was about, it would disappear out of reach again, another one would come as the previous one went away, leaving him no time to look at the tiny pieces of informations he had just grasped from the previous memory. It would go on this way, and he would start rocking back and forth, trying to grab the memory that had just vanished, changing his drowning into an endless chase. A hand under his shirt. Movie credits. His belt being undone. A very soft pillow. Shorts.

Taeyong stepped in the shower, setting the water hotter step by step. His skin turning red and burning, he didn't care. Digging his nails in his shoulders and arms as he let out his first real sob since it happened, he started mumbling some words over and over again. _It was normal, it was normal._ Rocking back and forth. _There's nothing weird, it wasn't rape, it wasn't, no._ But deep down, he had gathered enough pieces to recall what had happened and he knew he was denying all of it. Of course he was, because he was loved so well back then. And when you're loved so hard, nothing would be done to hurt you on purpose, right?

It went on for about thirty minutes before Taeyong came back to his senses enough to see he couldn’t feel his skin anymore, as the hot water had made it all red and no longer sensible to heat, when the skin on his fingers was so wrinkly the shower head slipped when he tried to put it back. He couldn’t exactly remember if he had showered, though he vaguely remembered using soap to clean his body furiously again. If he had indeed got in the shower standing, it was crawling that he got out. Not because he suddenly became lazy or the hot water numbed his legs but because they felt so weak he was afraid to fall at any moment, and also because the effort of getting and standing up seemed too intense for him at the moment. The poor thing was still not done processing the newfound memories and could not breathe properly. Impossible to stop the panicked breathing, even swallowing became hard as he feared he would run out of oxygen if he did so. Still, somewhat, he managed to grab a clean shirt and underwear Johnny had brought earlier and put them on. As carefully as he could with that irregular breathing of his, he got out of the bathroom and found himself facing a new dilemma. Should he bother Doyoung, who would help him calm down, or should he deal with it by himself since it was already pretty late?

“Hey, Taeyong,” when speaking of the devil.. “hey hey hey, what’s wrong?” his voice was always soft and soothing, even when there was a hint of worry in it like now.

“Ok ok, breathe with me, ok?” He was always so quick to understand and adapt to his surrounding, Taeyong liked that about him. ”In..out. In..and out. Good job.”

He gave him a little smile, forced through his clenched teeth as he was beginning to calm down. Slowly and carefully, Doyoung slipped his hand in Taeyong and pressed them together gently.

“Now, tell me what you feel with your senses. Slowly, take your time. You can do it in your head too.”

Warmth. Doyoung’s hand felt warm and reassuring, around the same size as his own hand. The floor was soft and lukewarm as well, which felt a bit strange on a second thought but Taeyong didn’t care that much. There was a cool night breeze,someone must have left their window open. The lights of the city still not asleep were making delicately shaped shadows in the apartment. There was something dream-like about the whole scene, the warmth contrasted with the breeze, the darkness of the unlit apartment with the partying city. They didn’t have to talk much to understand each other, something about their way of existing and being a reassuring and quiet presence for others, not someone you’d really notice the presence of but more the absence of as something would feel unfamiliar and less welcoming. That was the kind of presence Doyoung and him had and that allowed them to speak words in a complete silence. Though this time was a bit special, Doyoung didn’t know why his friend was like that and he had just woke up knowing Taeyong needed him.

This night, despite Doyoung’s reassuring presence, Taeyong didn’t slept. He was too afraid to give in to sleep. What if the memories he had only seen bits of came at him all together, nice and clear? He wouldn’t be able to avoid them, much less handle them. So he didn’t sleep. He watched the city and the sky go on, sipping some caffeine until the time was right to start moving again. This morning, Taeyong was running with the birds chipping in nearby trees. Seeing the world wake up indeed was a beautiful thing to see, and in this rising sun he found some strength to go on yet another long day of work and facing his problems and their consequences.

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda want to write a sequel about the actual recovery and Taeyong clearing things up with Johnny and Jaehyun but i also feel like it could end like this (ignoring the fact it took me like two hard weeks to finish it because of the amount of myself i poured into it)


End file.
